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a morning freewrite

I am not this small apartment. I am not this car with the brand new deeper debt tires. The mechanic turned white when he saw the worn treads.

How you didn’t have a blowout is anybody’s guess.

So, I promise to pay him a little over time, some small change down—must have the car for her commute, her job is our only source of income—but not enough.

Food Stamps: Denied. Temporary Assistance: Denied.

Jello for dinner to give her the heartier food—she’s much thinner, panics when her blood sugar is low. And I have body fat to consume.

That’s called being positive! Smiling people sing their ‘things will get better’ platitudes, always in passing: must rush to vacations, weddings, parties!

Wait, you’re coming, right? It’s only $100! You don’t have $100??

Or the doctor who called me dramatic with an eye roll:

Everyone can afford a gym membership, man!

Dr Tanned just returned from his beach house, says I have to sleep more, relax more, have more fun.

You’re too old for this much stress, he says.

And I know he’s right. I fear an early death. I fear for my heart.

 

Well there’s one thing you can’t lose
It’s that feel
Your pants, your shirt, your shoes
But not that feel
You can throw it out in the rain
You can whip it like a dog
You can chop it down like an old dead tree
You can always see it
When you’re coming into town
Once you hang it on the wall
You can never take it down

But there’s one thing you can’t lose
And it’s that feel
You can pawn your watch and chain
But not that feel

It always comes and finds you
It will always hear you cry
I cross my wooden leg
And I swear on my glass eye
It will never leave you high and dry
Never leave you loose
It’s harder to get rid of than tattoos

But there’s one thing you can’t lose
And it’s that feel
But the one thing you can’t do
Is lose that feel

You can throw it off a bridge
You can lose it in the fire
You can leave it at the altar
But it will make you out a liar
You can fall down in the street
You can leave it in the lurch

Well you say that it’s gospel
But I know that it’s only church

But there’s one thing you can’t lose
And it’s that feel
It’s that feel

[Repeat Like a Mantra]

#njpoet

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