a writer’s self-portrait
1. I love disaster movies. I find the fictional sight of our civilization being wiped away by nature very relaxing.
2. I’ve never longed to have children. I love my nieces and my nephews, but they never make me desire a child of my own.
3. I have eleven bookcases in my apartment. There are books stacked on the floors and the tables; I still feel like I need more books.
4. If left unchecked, I could eat an entire jar of peanut butter in one sitting. Give me the jar, a spoon, a glass of milk, and a disaster movie: I’m set. This also applies to any kind of cheese, lasagna, pizza, and Vienna Fingers cookies.
5. The main reason I did not stay in California: I couldn’t stomach the constant sunny, sixty-five degree weather. I need my rainy days.
6. I’ve owned nearly twenty cars in my life.
7. I’ve never been impressed by famous people, but I do get goofy and giddy when I meet poets I admire.
8. Most liberal politicians are way way too conservative for me. This includes Obama.
9. Contrary to what some people believe, I’m not at all confident and/or sure of myself. I do fake it very well.
10. I would love to be a stand-up comedian.
11. I never pray. I just don’t think a truly divine sentience would give a damn what I want, or have to say. Nor do I believe I could speak its language. Then again, I’m an atheist.
12. Yes, I’ve been to Communist Party meetings.
13. Before I went to graduate school, I seriously considered becoming a yoga instructor.
14. When I was younger, I went to the gym almost every day. Now, I mostly go for walks.
15. My favorite books: Homer’s Odyssey and Kurt Vonnegut’s Slaughterhouse-Five.
16. I’m only proud of a handful of the pieces I’ve written.
17. My childhood was traumatic. I fear this will always make relationships difficult for me.
18. I hate clothes shopping and fashion. As I age, I’m seriously considering buying ten identical sets of an outfit I like — be done with the entire fiasco.
19. I will listen to or watch George Carlin anywhere, anytime. Carlin never gets old.
20. I love all music, but The Beatles, The Doors, Pink Floyd, Tom Waits, and Sage Francis are my favorites. Oh and the Miles Davis album “Kind of Blue,” because of a particularly chill car drive through Kansas in 2002.
21. I have never played, nor been a fan of, any organized sport.
22. I feel slightly guilty about my career because I come from a working-class, blue-collar family that often doesn’t view teaching and research as “real work.”
23. There are words that I adore and words that I absolutely despise – i.e. ‘pamphlet.’ I hate that word.
24. I have a freakish verbal memory. I can remember conversations and movie lines like a human tape recorder. I sometimes freak myself out with it.
25. I purchased a guitar in the 90s. I’ve never learned to play it. I keep it in my bedroom to mock me. I figure it will push me to take lessons. So far, no luck.
26. In Jr. High and High School, I wrote thousands of poems in notebooks and on little scraps of paper. But I was so afraid someone would make fun of me for doing so that I destroyed them as soon as I wrote them.
27. I got married when I was thirty because I felt like it was what I was supposed to do. I had never been a conformist in my life, and I still don’t know why I acted like one in that particular instance.
28. In my teenage years, I fell in love with almost every girl I knew. If you knew me then, and you were female, you can bet money that I was writing love poems for you.
29. When I was living in California, I came very close to becoming a Buddhist monk. My teacher, a Buddhist nun, told me that vows of celibacy were not for me and refused to endorse my decision. I was heartbroken and felt more rejected than I have ever felt in my life. But she was right.
30. A psychiatrist once told me that I suffer from chronic empathy. “You take on the emotional states of other people.” he said. “You’re like a neurological chameleon.” I hide this from most people. Now you all know.
31. My fourth grade teacher made my class read poetry every day, handed out prizes to anyone who memorized them. In a fundamental way, this man made me who I am today. He likely has no idea how important he was to me. I think about that every time I walk into a classroom.
32. In my mid-twenties, I studied with a Peruvian Shaman. During a drumming ritual, I experienced an intense body seizure. Eventually, I blacked out. When I came to in a fetal ball, crying, the Shaman said I’d released some very old, very dark body memories. I don’t know if I believe that, but I’ve never forgotten the experience.
33. When I was very young, I was determined to get bitten by a radioactive spider. Failing that, I compensated for my crippling shyness and loneliness by fantasizing that I was a secret agent working for the government. Understandably, I had to stay alone and isolated to protect those around me. Sure, it was a martyr complex, but it helped me survive.
34. I’m making a serious effort to not wish my life away – i.e. “I wish winter was over.” “I wish I had my PhD.” etc. I feel like I’ve spent many years of my life rushing to the next checkpoint, the next achievement. I just don’t want to live that way anymore.
35. Facebook has been invaluable in my spiritual development. I’ve been reading about people I despised in my youth, about their lives. I can’t remember why I hated them so much. The truth is, I despised myself back then. This isn’t a sad realization. It’s a major release–unbelievably healing.
36. I don’t believe in destiny. I believe in the immutable law of karma–cause and effect–choices, actions, and consequences.
37. Everyone I know worries about retirement savings. I would be very happy teaching until I die. In fact, it might be kind of cool to die in front of the class! But that may traumatize the students, or stamp them with a profound appreciation for life–inspire them! … I’ll have to think about this.
38. Who am I kidding? I want to die during my greatest orgasm.
39. I still read comic books, but I never play video games. I do think comic books and video games should be studied as serious literature. But video games make me anxious.
40. I love comedy songs and song parodies. I just can’t get enough of them.
41. One of my all time favorite songs is “The Rainbow Connection” by Kermit the Frog. I sometimes listen to it in my car, full blast, and sing along. Another all time favorite: “Ape Man” by Kinks.
42. The first girl I ever kissed is on my Facebook friends list. I doubt that she knows she was my first.
43. I send over a thousand text messages a month: bits of poetry, quotes, things I write, etc. It’s a means of communication made especially for people like me. Words words words!!!
44. If I became suddenly wealthy, I would open my own Buddhist Learning Center and a Poetry Bar. I would gladly waste my entire fortune keeping these two establishments open as long as I could.
45. My longest sustained friendship was with a man who mentored me from the frightened boy I was into the poet, writer, and scholar I am today — all in just fifteen years. He passed away in 2010. My mind misses his mind profoundly.
46. I may one day suddenly vanish into Nepal, or Bhutan, and not return for many years. This is a daily possibility.
47. Yes, I have gone on dates with women I met online. It’s never worked out — in the long run, that is.
48. When I was sixteen years old, I debated a Catholic priest on the issue of birth control — particularly, condom use. I still think I won that debate. Read More»
49. Despite my often virulent anger with the United States Government, I do realize that other countries on Earth would have executed someone like me, my thoughts, and my big mouth a long time ago. But that’s the extent of my patriotism.
50. Some amazing men have fallen in love with me over the years. I’ve always been flattered, and never threatened, but I’ve also never been tempted to “switch sides.” Does that make me tolerant? Who knows…
51. Noam Chomsky is my God. Bill Hicks is my Jesus. Youtube them. You’ll see why.
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