Turning ‘Toward God’ for Tim Pawlenty

And God said, let the Earth bring forth the living creature after his kind, cattle, and creeping thing, and beast of the earth after his kind: and it was so. He even created bacteria and viruses to attack and kill these living creatures. God was kind of a douche back then.

Anyway, after finishing his perfect creation, the dolphin, he decided to have some fun.  He took some spare parts that were lying around his garden, and he made himself a pet—two pets, to be precise.

And just for shits and giggles, God said: let us make man in our image, after our likeness. Note: God talked about himself in the plural back then. Too much weed, I bet.  But he was still a young God. Cut him some slack, for his sake!

So, God created humans last.  He told them they were “in charge” of all the other creatures. He just wanted to make them feel good. He told them they were the most specialest ever.  Yes, even though the other creatures were stronger, more agile, and even smarter [Viola! The Dolphin!]—it was his little monkey-like pets that he favored. At least, that’s what he told them. He wasn’t always a douche.

In fact, in this case, he had very wise intentions.  He knew that the humans could never be given any real power. They would just fuck up the Earth. So he created certain limitations and obstacles for them. He suppressed their knowledge and self-awareness with a magical spell. So long as they didn’t eat from his magical tree—the tree of knowledge—they would remain his adorable ignorant pets forever, just the way he liked them. They were so cute.

But God screwed up, of course. He was boastful back then. He told them about the tree. He forbade them from ever eating the fruit from it. Never ever eat those Me Damned Apples, he told them. Then he left them alone.

Apparently, God never took Psych 101. He probably should have taken a parenting class, because, obviously, as soon as his back was turned, the human’s noshed on Apples. They’re mammals. It’s their nature.

And then all hell broke loose. God lost his temper. I mean, he completely flipped out. He was so enraged, in fact, that he never considered just resetting his creatures. I mean, come on, I can reset my computer to its default state, and Steve Jobs created that.  Surely God had the power to fix this error.

But, instead, God cursed his pets. The female would bleed every month from her most sensitive places, and the poor male would have to work. ::groan:: He would have to work the land for survival. She would hemorrhage…every month…for five days. Oh, and she would have to endure the agonizing reproductive process. How’s that for gender bias? God was a rampant sexist back then, too.

So, just like that, and without so much as a trial, God told his stupid humans that they were on their own, and he threw them out of his garden.

And just as God had predicted, they fucked up the Earth.

Definitely Related Post

» Bill Hicks is my Jesus. »