(7 hours ago)

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Aug 6, 2009

I am trying to imagine you reading this. I am trying to choose just the right words. I want you to see me. I want you to know so much, and I don’t know why. I’m sorry.

I’m sorry that I make you feel exposed. I’m sorry that I push you to anger so often. I’m sorry I push. I get enthusiastic. When I meet the living in this dying world, I get excited. When their mind dances with mine, I get a high. It’s the greatest of all intoxicants, banter, but these notes are different. They will be my attempt to lay myself bare in language. To be vulnerably myself for you.

I will do this because I trust you. I trust you to be gentle but critical. I trust you to be compassionate and non-judgmental. I trust you to understand the weight of this gesture, and I trust you to care.

My trust in you is not a baseless trust. You have proven your integrity and character to me in a thousand little ways, but mostly with your willingness to admit when you’re wrong, and your sincere forgiveness when I am.

I wanted to get this preface out of the way. I wanted you to understand my motivation. I want to write an email memoir for you,  because I want you to see me. I want you to know so much, and I don’t know why.

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  • Wendy

    I haven’t been keeping a log of what I’m saying so it’s rather difficult to tell. Everything is just off the top of my head, kinda like a real conversation. If it disappears into the ethernet, that’s kind of like a conversation, too.

  • Wendy

    Oh, I was cooking supper and eating.

  • Wendy

    Okay, I’m working on the whole trust issue thing but I have to tell you, that is a very deep and very wide ocean. Neither of us wants to drown, right?

  • Wendy

    I was laying in bed and I thought about our ‘dying world’ and suddenly I felt like crying. Do you really think the world is dying or is just humanity, if there ever was such an animal, killing itself. I’m asking, ‘cuz I don’t know. A couple of years ago I had an epiphany. I realized that no matter what human beings did, the earth, this blue green planet would still make its way around the sun in 365 and one quarter days. Even when we are extinct the orbit will continue. I thought of these things just a few minutes ago and that led me to wonder what happens when the sun burns out. Do the planets still orbit? Does the sun become a giant lump of coal floating in a frozen waste space? I wonder what happens.
    I was also making an inventory of all the paintings that I have planned in my mind.

    Those are my crazy thoughts as I’m trying to nod off and I have you to thank for them. Thanks for waking me up and I truly mean that. thanks (I’ve been asleep and afraid for far too long.)

  • Wendy

    Is this thing working? My computer seems to be swallowing my posts whole.

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